ROAD RAGE FOR JESUS


Let me start off by saying that I am the most calm, easy going driver on the road. Traffic jams, accidents, school zones…no problem. Until today….

So I’m driving down the road, singing along to Walk This Way, the Run DMC/Aerosmith version (doing vocals for both bands because I am a little hip hop and a little rock n’ roll) when I come to a red light.

I want to turn left so I have to wait for the green arrow.

In front of me is this vehicle and its plastered with Christian bumper stickers. Not just one or two on the bumper either. I mean ALL OVER the whole backside. Windows, tailgate, bumper…the works.

I read so many Bible verses during this long ass red light that I could have given a sermon tonight.

Finally, I get the arrow. But the guy in front of me isn’t moving. I thought maybe he was deep in prayer. So I wait a sec and then give the horn a light tap.

My horn must be really demonic sounding because instead of making the left turn this big redneck, who had the hair of Billy Ray Cyrus and the face of Billy Bob Thornton, jumps out of his truck and starts screaming profanities at me!
I’m thinking, Wow…he must be a member of Our Lady of Tourettes Christian Ministries or something.

So I calmly roll down my window and ask him to get back in his truck. Ok, I smirked when I did it. Well this was FUNNY.

He takes a step toward me so I immediately step out of my vehicle because I am not gonna be a sitting duck for some psycho.

He stops short and yells, “WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?”

So I replied….

“DOES JESUS KNOW YOU’RE BEING AN ASSHOLE?”

I half expected him to charge me but instead he lowered his head like I just took away his Pope Action Figure, turned and got back in his truck.

Just in time for the next red light.

And I laughed for the next 3 miles.

~

I guess the moral of my story is:

If you’re gonna represent a certain type of people, you better act like it.

I wouldn’t have even thought about this little episode of Slingblade jumping out and yelling at me if his truck was plastered with stickers that said “Nice People Suck”, “Your Mom” or “I voted Bush”.

But you just don’t expect that from someone who claims God is his Co-pilot.

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9 Responses to “ROAD RAGE FOR JESUS”

  1. Witchy Woman Says:

    I read this a half hour ago and I’m still laughing my ass off. I love your “Our Lady of Tourettes” line.

    WW

  2. theobserver Says:

    I have noticed the same thing!!!

    It’s been my experience that anyone with any type of religious/anti-religious stickerage on their vehicle have a much greater chance of being an absolute monkey-nut than those without.

    Especially combinations, like the Fish/Cowgirl Up/Calvin praying to or peeing on anything combo.

  3. JESSICA Says:

    THIS WAS GREAT. I LOVE IT! I really agree with you on that one!!

    I will never forget that line…

  4. Todd Says:

    This is a funny story - however - a bumper sticker doesn’t make someone Christian - no matter how many bumper stickers there may be lol - Maybe the guy was trying to remind himself to be more Christ-like - he obviously needs it :-)

  5. Laine Says:

    That’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in ages. Dontcha just love hypocrites?

  6. Bill Says:

    Laine: Actually, I don’t think anyone loves hypocrites, but hey, suit yourself

  7. Spoonman Says:

    Fantastic! I had one a couple of weeks ago…I was trying to merge into traffic when the highway was at a near standstill. I don’t like to try and zoom up so I can nudge in a couple of cars ahead of where I should be. I get to the top of the ramp, put on my signal and wait to be let in. As traffic started to move, I noticed the fellow I was waiting to get in front of was backing off and giving me room to get in. He was looking straight ahead at me, so I know he saw me. Without warning, he FLEW in front of my truck and cut me off.

    I gave a surprised look and raised my hands in a questioning fashion when he turned around, looked right over the heads of his children I could see in the back seat and yelled “GO FUCK YOURSELF!!” He then turned around, but I could see him screaming like a looney still.

    Since he’d obviously been trying to let me in, and only changed when he got behind my truck, I can only assume he took offense to my “The only true miracle of christianity is how people can swallow that shit” bumpersticker. The jesus fish on the back of the car was another clue.

    Forget the hypocrisy of his actions, to yell over your children’s heads like that…wow.

  8. Shoot The Stupid Says:

    I love that bumpersticker. Nice.

  9. Stacy Says:

    gotta love skorp and his quick witted thinking :) it’s just as funny as it was the first time i read it on his blog ;)

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